Fireworks outside, twinkly brilliance bursting on dark…joyful colors…red like the sun’s center…hot yellows and sizzling whites, green spanning the outer limits of our vision…lights grinning down upon us, reflecting our reactions.
The explosions happening this month in celebration of U.S. independence remind me of anorexia and bulimia. Like these common eating disorders, fireworks come in packaging which makes them appear compact, streamlined, contained, still on the surface, without hint of what lies inside. Bulimics are rarely detected right away, and often can go years unnoticed even by friends and families (A Guide to Eating Disorders, CofC’s Counseling & Substance Abuse Services). Like the light and energy that lies within the firework casing, ready to pop, within some of our loved ones is anxiety bursting at the seams, consistent internal discomfort, full and yelling on the way to explosion. This is a necessary blog aiming to go without frivolity or fear. If there is a need meet it, but meet your needs in a healthy way.
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FB Conversation:
Nikia Cummings wants you girls to know that you’re beautiful. Not sometimes, but always. Can’t wait until you truly believe what I see.
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Ultimately, need guides what we do. Coping is a reaction to an unmet need, but arguably need also determines what we create. This blog topic hatched from an egg of need conceived by mother culture and grandmother biology. More specifically, what we’ve learned to expect from and look for in the body–OUR BODIES, and what our body technically needs and wants and should have to encourage growth and sustain health and life.
It is completely normal to not notice you have a real problem. In fact, before researching for this blog, I considered myself more removed from the issue, because I have not technically struggle with bulimia or anorexia. However, I was stunned by information I already knew deep down. My whole life, it seems, I have focused on food. As a young adult the common feedback was, “chubby” and a lot of “baby fat.” Periodically, I have beaten myself up mentally and physically (withholding food from myself, creating eating rules, etc.) for eating. While I have never put my finger in my throat to induce vomiting, I do binge eat when I’m depressed or lonely or stressed. I’ll arrive home to face a mountain of studying, usually hungry after “not having time” to eat much during the frantic school day, and I’ll garble food until I’m STUFFED. Or, if I’m feeling depressed I may excessively eat foods that I’m well aware make me feel physically bad afterward. And then, I psychologically kick the crap out of myself for indulging so much; cry about how bad I feel for eating so poorly; or, I scream about how uncomfortable I feel in my clothing that just fit me. What a mean way to treat myself! Confessions usually feel good, and this information is for all of us, me and you included. I’m guessing from my own experience, that most of us have punished ourselves for food habits at some point in our lives. If I’m right about us, then DIG INto the info below. And, I’d love to hear your feedback, personal anecdotes, questions, etc in the comment section of this blog.
The following information is included in my blog almost verbatim from the incredible resource: “A Guide to Eating Disorders: A Publication of Counseling and Substance Abuse Services at the College of Charleston.” My personal contributions are in this olive green text to distinguish from the borrowed information.
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Do I Have a Problem?
Use the questions below to help evaluate your behavior and pinpoint potential problems.
Answer Yes or No
1. I constantly think about eating, weight, and body size.
2. I become anxious prior to eating.
3. I’m terrified about being overweight.
4. I don’t know when I’m physically hungry.
5. I go on eating binges and can’t stop eating until I feel sick.
6. I often feel bloated or uncomfortable after meals.
7. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about food.
8. I weight myself several times a day.
9. I exercise too much or get very rigid about my exercise plan.
10. I believe that being in control of food shows other people that I can control myself.
11. I have taken laxatives or forced myself to vomit after eating.
12. I believe food controls my life.
13. I feel extremely guilty after eating.
14. I eat when I am nervous, anxious, lonely or depressed.
15. I don’t think I look good in my clothes.
16. Because of my weight and appearance, I’m more uptight then I’d like to be aroudn people who I find sexually attractive.
Look at your answers carefully–if you decide that your eating habits are making you sick or simply keeping you from enjoying life, it may be time to make some changes.
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Symptoms of Eating Disorders include, but are not limited to the following:
Anorexia
- Loss of 25% of normal body weight.
- Females encounter the absence of at least three menstrual cycles.
- Overwhelming fear of becoming fat, even when underweight.
- Excessive dieting and fasting.
- Frequent weighing.
- Perception of normal skin folds as fat.
- Preoccupation with food; often shops and cooks for family, but refuses to eat.
- often stems from perfectionism (hides deep insecurities, feelings of incompetence, unworthiness and ineffectiveness), highly demanding/critical of self, not a good sense of own abilities–can’t stop proving competency)
- often is overachiever, overly compliant, accomodating, helpful, eager to please
Bulimia
- Episodes of binge eating occur. The bulimic chooses food which is easy to eat, and then eats quickly.
- Obsessive concern with body weight is common.
- The bulimic experiences at least two bingeing episodes per week for three months. The binges can occur as often as 15 to 20 times per day.
- During binges, the bulimic feels a lack of control, and is unable to stop eating.
- It is not unusual for the bulimic to spend enormous amounts of money on food.
- The bulimic usually chooses to eat alone, so no one can see the quantity of food consumed.
- The bulimic experiences guilty feelings.
Common characteristics of people with eating disorders. Why are ED’s developed?
- insecure about self-worth, dependent on others for approval and appreciation, very sensitive to what others think
- conforming, eager to please, hide negative emotions
- use food to cope with stress and distress
- often starts in childhood with families that put an overemphasis on food and how much people eat
- men and women, though women are more likely to seek treatment
- EDs are external solutions to inner turmoil.
- Depression
- Need for approval and nurturance
- Feelings of inadequacy
- Loneliness
- Fear of success (feel guilty and undeserving of success)
- Anxiety (may see anxiety as sign of impending doom and feel overwhelmed)
- cultural pressure to be thin, fit
- negative views of fat and fat people (bad, dirty, asexual, lazy)
Causes/Etiology of Eating Disorders
Eating disorders are not about food, weight or even appearance. They are often used as coping mechanisms to deal with a great deal of internal pain. It is often easier for people to focus on food and weight than to focus on internal emotional issues because food and weight seem easier to monitor and control.
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“Alternatives to Eating Disordered Behavior”
compiled by Kelly Simonson, Ph.D.
Self-Talk:
-use affirmations
-get rid of your inner critic
Reaching Out:
-reduce contact with or number of negative, unhealthy relationships
-talking diminishes the power of silence, fear and loneliness
Distraction/Delay:
-go for a walk
-leave your triggering environment
-call a friend
-do a project
-journal
Body Image Work:
-stop comparing yourself to others
-focus on internal characteristics that make you unique and special, reduce focus on the external
-focus on how your body functions/how it serves you versus seeing it only as an object to be viewed
-stop weighing yourself
-create visual reminders to give yourself permission to eat guilt-free
Self-Nurturing:
PHYSICAL: Get enough sleep, wear comfortable clothes that fit your current size
EMOTIONAL: Forgive yourself when you make mistakes
Exercise: In your thoughts; also write it down in your journal if you prefer. To celebrate food: imagine a food that you like. My example: Avocado. Get and hold just the picture in your mind. Now, focus in on the:
-texture
-color
-nuances of taste
-the food’s forms…how it appears and different ways it is eaten
MENTAL: Change dysfunctional rules (e.g., “I can never eat after 8 P.M.”); challenge black/white, all/nothing thinking patterns, look for the balance in life; eat without distractions
SPIRITUAL: appreciate and connect with nature to focus on the bigger picture
SOCIAL: do something for someone else; call a friend for support or just for fun
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Cravings:
First, check and see if you are hungry. If you are (or if it’s been several hours since your last meal), then it’s time to eat something. Decide that first you are going to treat your body to something it needs–real food.
Once you’ve eaten a meal, reassess whether or not you still want the food you were originally craving. If you do, great. Go ahead and get some. Chances are, at this point a few cookies or a single serving of ice cream may actually hit the spot. If you no longer crave the food, then take a breath and acknowledge how good your body feels having been fed real food. Take a moment to close your eyes and check in with your stomach, your brain, and your energy levels.
If you decide to give in to your craving, take control of the situation. Decide what exactly it is that you want. If it’s cookies, don’t start with ice cream. Create a ritual around eating. Don’t wolf down a handful of cookies in front of the pantry. Bring the cookies to your desired place, sit down, and lavishly enjoy each bite.
Healthy Emotion Management:
Food cravings that aren’t rooted in hunger often stem from basic unmet needs such as boredom, stress, loneliness or the need for fun. If you find your cravings coming from the heart and not the belly, find out what it is you really need.
The more we try to ignore a feeling, the stronger it grows. Begin by recognizing what emotional issues you’ve been struggling with. At this point, ask yourself some of these questions. Write the answers down.
1. Instead of pushing this down, can I BE with this feeling?
2. If I eat this food, or go on this binge, what is it costing me?
3. What is my overall goal or intent?
4. Is there a better way to take care of my needs?
5. What can I give myself right now that will increase my energy and my power?
6. How can I nurture myself right now without hurting myself?
7. If I were a child right now, how would I like to be comforted?
8. What could I do right now that would make me feel good tomorrow?
9. If I do eat this comfort food, can I give myself permission to enjoy the food, and not beat myself up afterward?
10. Can I eat this food and still not give up on my goal or intent?
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Quick Tips for Overcoming an Eating Disorder:
- Set reasonable goals: “Reasonable is the operative word here, because it means working within a framework of success rather than failure. From this perspective, positive thoughts replace negative ones, setback binges become opportunities to better understand the compulsion.
- Look beyond the symptoms: Obviously, the immediate symptoms of bulimia revolve around food, but bingeing and purging, planning meals, counting calories, and other habitual behaviors are ways of coping with other underlying problems in your life. In this way, your bulimia may be a teacher, because every time you revert to it is an opportunity to learn more about the hidden truth.
- Write regularly in a journal: Writing is a form of intimacy because it necessitates having an honest, caring relationship with yourself. A journal can reveal patterns that you might need to challenge, be used to chart your long-term progress, or help you problem solve. A journal is like having a best friend who will always be there for you and value what you have to say. It is also an excellent way to take quiet time and also explore the issues that come up when that time is taken.
- Express yourself: Most experts agree that an eating disorder is a way to say something using the body that cannot be said in words.
- Throw your scales away: What difference does it make in the grand scheme of the universe if you gain or lose a couple of pounds?
- See the whole picture: When you look at yourself in the mirror, stand back far enough so you can see your whole body. Look at the whole picture, not just the spots you don’t like. Look at each body part in reference to the rest of you.
- Give yourself credit: Several times a day give yourself credit for all you have accomplished so far.
- Food=energy: When you eat, visualize the food turning into fuel to give your body energy.
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Empty and FULLness
This week, try to listen to your natural hunger and fullness. Be aware of the changes that occur right before and directly after a meal. Try rating your hunger and fullness at each meal according to this scale.
0 Starving Wobbly and dizzy, hard to concentrate
1 Very, Very Hungry Very hungry, irritable and cranky, food obsessions continue
2 Very Hungry You experience a shift in your energy downward and begin to obsess about food.
3 Hungry It is time to eat. You have a strong urge to eat.
4 Almost Hungry Your body has sent you messages that you may want to eat.
5 Neutral You are not hungry but not full or satisfied either. If you stopped eating now you would need to eat in another 1 1/2 to 2 hours.
6 Past Neutral You are still slightly hungry but your eating pace has slowed.
7 Almost Full You are becoming more satisfied. You are almost full. If you stopped now this would sustain you for awhile.
8 Full You are satisfied and may acknowledge the physiological aspects of fullness and satiety.
9 Very Full You are uncomfortable and beyond full.
10 Stuffed You are very uncomfortable and cannot eat another bite.
- If you would like a hard-copy version of this publication which includes much much more information, please email me at nikiacummings@gmail.com. The reason why you want one is not important to me, you could need it for yourself, friends, family, and organization you run, etc.
- Information adapted from “A Guide to Eating Disorders: A Publication of Counseling & Substance Abuse Services at the College of Charleston.”
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When we take our anxiety, our negative energy and redirect it’s shape into the momentum behind our action, we take back the control. Make your nerves mind you. During both the lazy, leisurely, open-ended days of summer and the packed, 24 hour demands of school, we have a tendency to feel that we have not fulfilled everything we were supposed “To Do.” As a recovering “To Do” list junkie, I realized that I became a slave to unreasonably long lists of activities and responsibilities that could not possibly be done in the amount of time I allotted. Before I even began, I was beat! Especially during the summer, which for unemployed me means a lack of my most beloved structure, often I wake up so late that I feel overwhelmed by the wasted day. However, I’ve found that the quickest way to alleviate the panic is to take immediate action. Stop spending time punishing (see, back to the reason we even made a To-Do list); start being productive, whatever that means to you, in THIS moment. Even if I still feel bombarded with self-blame, insecurity, insufficiency, or indecisiveness, washing the dishes or cleaning my purse out or taking a shower or beginning to read with the goal of finishing one chapter. Our tendency to repeat To Do lists in our heads even after we’ve written them down adds to the pressure and we accumulate tension and anxiety as a result. Get going with a task that is straightforward, something you know how to do without thinking too much. This can be very therapeutic! Why not DO now?
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Exercise: So, here’s what I want you to do–maybe even if this blog does not apply to you in a straight-forward way (aka, you are struggling with an extreme body issue…bulimia, anorexia, etc.)–take out a piece of paper or a journal; open up a new word document–whatever. Pick one of these quotations, write it at the top of the space, and meditate on the quotation in a place where you have complete silence. After a few minutes, either put ten minutes on the clock and start free writing without concern for grammar, style, etc. Or, if you don’t have time at that point, think about the words throughout the day. Think of how they apply to your activities and your particular personal concerns. When you return home or are preparing for bed, loosely time yourself for ten minutes and write it out! GO!
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
“To try and fail is at least to learn. To fail to try is to suffer the loss of what might have been.”-Ben Franklin
"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."-Margaret Thatcher
“Although our package of skin and bones looks very convincing, it is a mask, an illusion,
disguising our true self, which has no limitations.”-Deepak Chopra
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Five Books, one for each pretty finger:
1. Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery (Hall & Cohn, 1999)
http://www.amazon.com/Bulimia-Guide-Recovery-Lindsey-Hall/dp/093607731X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246804620&sr=8-1
2. When Food is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy (Roth, 1991)
http://www.amazon.com/When-Food-Love-Exploring-Relationship/dp/0452268184/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246805451&sr=1-2
3. The Hungry Self: Women, Eating, and Identity (Chernin, 1994)
http://www.amazon.com/Hungry-Self-Women-Eating-Identity/dp/0060925043/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246805237&sr=1-1
4. When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies (Hirschmann & Munter, 1995)
http://www.amazon.com/When-Women-Hating-Their-Bodies/dp/044991058X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246805319&sr=8-1
5. Eating in the Light of the Moon (Johnston, 2000)
http://www.amazon.com/Eating-Light-Moon-Relationship-Storytelling/dp/0936077360/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246805377&sr=8-1
Five Websites, one for each cute toe:
1. http://www.eating-disorder.org
2. http://www.hugs.com
3. http://www.eatright.org
4. http://www.caringonline.com
5. http://www.bodypositive.com
It’s Saturday night. I need to write. So–I am. Wierdo alert. Well I’m going to continue on the subject I was telling about last night. So yeah we decided to go to Latania and Brandy’s apartments. Latania wasn’t home (we checked there first) then we went to Brandy’s and she was there. We hung out with her a little bit, Latania got home na dcame to Brandy’s we were all havin’ a good time and we decided we all wanted to go bowling well Latte kinda didn’t but 
We kinda watched the movie but kinda didn’t. Afterwards my aunt took me and Justin home. Justin first. We held hands in the car. Dropped him off and then my Aunt POUNCED on me. Earlier that night she said “You aren’t as sweet and innocent as you try to make people believe Nikia” I was like “I don’t try to make people believe that I’m sweet and innocent. It stung me. I was hurt. She went on a bit. Justin calmed me down and told me over & over again not to worry ’bout it. neWAYz so we dropped him off and my aunt started in on me on how I am manipulative and me and my sister do whatever we want and we shouldn’t do what we do to our mom, BLAH BLAH BLAH I started to talk or whatever and she screamed @ me she’s like “That’s the problem with you Nikia, you just talk over people and never let them say anything” (She was being such a hypocrite!!) she goes “I have something to say and you need to listen” or somethin’ like that. She wouldn’t even let me defend myself GRRRRRR. 
Brandy the whole night was like saying “I think that you and Justin are going out and just don’t want to tell me.” I insisted that we weren’t. Geez. In the car on the way home she said it again she was like, “I still think…” so I finally got a word in edge-wise and said, “Brandy I don’t appreciate how you keep saying that I am NOT going out with him that I’m aware of and if I was it is none of your business.” My aunt goes, “Did you ever think how Brandy felt?” I was like “About WHAT” “You’re not stupid Nikia, c’mon” she was saying it like I had known that Brandy liked him or somethin’–Brandy comes in again and says I think that’s wrong an 8th grader and a 10th grader. I was like WHY–if you are older and in love with someone that is two years younger–doo you just ignore it? My aunt goes “That’s different” It was like them against me. It made me SOOOOOOo mad. neWAYz enough about that. I got home got on the internet and talked to him. He asked me out @ about 2am after a long discussion on how we definitely didn’t want it to ruin our friendship and just soem other peculiars. I said yes on technically Dec. 27th 2001 but we are considering it the 26th ’cause we basically were without a title. Yeah so I’m extremely happy. Seriously. But I miss him so much. Reason? Me and my sis went to Justin’s house, told my mom that we would be going to Latania’s house and back around 2:30pm. We went to Justin’s around 12:00am and around 4:30pm Paul called Latania to see if we were there she covered for us & said we ran to the store–the she called Justin’s house and told me. I was like oh crap. I sense the direction it was headed. So I called Paul and said Latania told me you said to call he got mad about us not being home and it was 4:30! He asked how we were getting home I said Latania’s mom was gonna give us a ride home in about half an hour. He said the worst thing possible “No I’m coming to get you” I was like “Okay.” So me and my sister knew we were in huge crap bcuz the only thing that we could do was go get on the bus home and make up some weirdo excuse. BAH. We left and waited at the bust stop for a while but decided to go back call mom and tell her that we were @ Justin’s and that we left Latania’s @ two then went to his house. Yada yada–geez it’s hard writing EVERY detail. So we got in HUGE trouble now we are grounded for a month. =-( My mom said something really heartbreaking when we were telling her that we lied. Or rather I was. She goes “I always thought I was lucky that I had @ least one child that didn’t lie to me.” And she started crying.” To top it all off we weren’t supposed to be @ Justin’s house ’cause his mom said not when she wasn’t home. Well she walked in and there we were. She doesn’t like me in the first place bcuz bcuz for some reason. =/ So he got grounded for a month woops I mean a week! lol. So yeah. La La. Btw….I’m going to start working on my faith hopefully I will suceed in building a relationship with God again. Me and Justin are there to support each other. Last night Justin almost 
